Many problem Many solutions

Here are some solutions to common P.C. problems I have come across in my many years of computer consultancy. Please note I am not liable for any damage you cause to your computer or yourself as a result of reading this page. Items marked have been stolen from this site and items marked have been altered by me from the same site. Items marked are my own originals

*Problem: My computer won't do anything 

Solution: Make sure your computer is turned on, plugged in, and there is no little square thing (called a disk) in the slot (called a drive) in your computer when you turn it on.
*Problem: My computer says I did something "illegal" and "invalid", am I in trouble? Solution: YES! Run for it! The Microsoft Police have been notified and are on their way to your location. Your fate will be worse than death. You only safe course of action is to wipe your hard drive clean and/or leave the country. Play it safe and do both.
*Problem: I got a message saying "Fatal error"  

Solution: Better see a doctor straight away. No, forget the doctor - call an ambulance. Have you made a will?
*Problem: I got a message saying "An error occurred because an error occurred"  

Solution: Well, what do you expect from an Apple Mac?
*Problem: The computer displays "missing operating system"  

Solution: Put it back.
*Problem: I don't understand computer  

Solution: Insufficient I.Q. Error. Please re-type request.
*Problem: My computer won't read the files on my floppy disks.  

Solution: Disks that your kids have played with in the bath tend to be unreadable afterwards. (I'm not joking here, this actually happened - didn't it, GARY HALL?)
*Problem: My computer is doing weird stuff  

Solution: Unless it finds a way of harnessing zero-point energy, discovers the secret of time travel or prints out Kate Moss's telephone number, don't bother me about it.
*Problem: I can't print!  

Solution: Of course not. That's what your printer's for.
*Problem: The printout from my printer is faint  

Solution: Dim your lights, the print will appear darker.
*Problem: My printer will only print in black and white  

Solution: Funny, I've never seen a printer print in white before.
*Problem: I am out of disk space  

Solution: Delete the Windows folder - that'll free up loads of space!
*OeivkwnL Nt rtoubf ua xinubf iyr KK QEIBF  

Solution: Move your chair half an inch to the right.
*Problem: My computer won't play Solitaire  

Solution: Your computer knows best. It's probably smarter than you.
*Problem: My kids/wife/partner won't let me near my P.C.  

Solution: File a restraining order or get a divorce. You know it makes sense.
*Problem: Every time I click on this icon, the computer beeps  

Solution: Don't click on that icon.
*Problem: When I click on this icon, an error message pops up, but disappears before I can read it  

Solution: Take a speed-reading course, then try again.
*Problem: My computer doesn't recognise my mouse  

Solution: Maybe they haven't been properly introduced. Hold the mouse up to the screen (or webcam if you have one) so the computer can see it. Wave it about a bit, and eventually you'll see a message saying "Found New Hardware". Amazing, this Plug-and-Play, isn't it?
*Problem: I can't find my mouse pointer  

Solution: Look around on the floor - maybe it dropped out of your monitor.
*Problem: I can't access the Internet 

Solution: How are you reading this page then?
*Problem: Windows keeps crashing every few minutes  

Solution: Did you know that Microsoft writes the code for autopilot systems in all major airplanes?
*Problem: I've got 8MB of RAM in my 386, but it still won't run Windows XP  

Solution: Put your hand in your pocket, pull out your wallet, then go down to your local computer store and buy a P.C. that was made in the 21st Century.
*Problem: While using Excel, I got a message saying what does that mean?  

Solution: See Problem.
*Problem: Every time I drink, I get a pain in my eye.  
Solution: Take the spoon out of the cup.
*Problem: The spell-checker in Microsoft Word insists on using the U.S. dictionary, and complains about words like "colour", "catalogue" and "liaise".  
Solution: This is all part of Microsoft's plan for World Domination. You can't do anything about it, I'm afraid. Learn to say "aluminum", "cordor" and "feudle" ("Resistance is feudle", said the waryer in the cordor after seeing his horble reflection in the miyr - British Star Trek fans will know exactly what I mean!)
*Problem: In part one of Duke Nukem 3D, there is a sliding panel about ten feet up in the wall behind the door to the lift, but I can't reach it even by standing on the trash can - what do I do?  

Solution: Put your joystick down, get out of your chair, open the door (the real one) and go out into the Big Wide World. This one is not a game - or if it is, it's a fiendishly difficult one. It's called "Get a Life", © God Productions Inc.